NOTICE – For this post, so that it may seem as authentic as possible, I have tossed aside all editing, revising, and yes…grammatical laws or reason (see, I just did it there). Let my typed words be as close to my voice as possible…a rant perhaps, but never droning on.
Original Post: March 2017
So, though it may not be remembered by many, I was thin…once upon a time. It’s funny, because for me there are moments when that girl is so far away and others when she couldn’t be screaming louder. Truth be told, she’s inside of me and these are my confessions that speak to her existence:
Sometimes when I plan an outfit out in my head, I see it on my thin self.
At night, when I dream I don’t see myself as I actually am, I see myself as my thin self.
Even when I day dream of my future, I’m thin and not as I actually am…er…not thin.
I can remember and pin point the exact moment in my life when I stopped caring about my appearance and wanted to be unattractive. I was successful. I’ve been battling my weight ever since. I’ve done it to myself.
I’m not really battling my weight, I’m battling myself. I’m actually quite intelligent and fully aware that I’m my own worst enemy.
I don’t make so called excuses because you have to realize that what seems like easy excuses to you are actually hefty hurdles for me.
Ever hear of the snowball effect, yeah, well, that’s basically what has happened inside of my body.
I have to remind myself, sometimes by the day, sometimes by the hour, sometimes by the minute, that I am beautiful, sexy, and attractive. I am beautiful. I am sexy. I am attractive.
Confidence is a continuous work in progress and some days my confidence doesn’t show up. On those days sometimes I just push through what life has in store. On those days sometimes I grab my confidence and pull it, push it, kicking and screaming as it may be, and make it go through my day with me.
I teach middle school and if you didn’t already know it, middle-schoolers can be the harshest of critics, and yet, my students don’t see me as, dare I say it…FAT. They see me, they laugh with me, some tell me they think I’m pretty (and yes, that is without invitation but who knows they could just be trying to suck up, lol), and genuinely like me.
Even though I know it’s wrong in my brain, part of my body believes that my weight is why I am single, and so then maybe it really is why. In my world of dating it is often feast or famine. Famine when I’ve been feasting and feast when I’ve been in a famine.
Intellectually, I know, I really do. I’m a smart person. Somehow though, my logic and reason does not connect with my heart, does not drive my mindset.
I have used food to heal myself, though no healing properties it has offered. Wait, no, that is a lie. It makes me feel good in the moment…figurative and literally fills a void, haha.
Inside I feel me, I feel thin, and the journey to make my outward self appear that way is an ever ongoing war and sometimes I have to question if I really want to be fighting it.
Update: May 2017 *This post was previously password protected but lately I’ve been thinking…ah, what the heck, what is there to lose (pun intended, see I’m hilariously corny…hmm, maybe I shouldn’t have made that a food reference, you know, because of stereotypes, whatever)*
Sometimes I just grow so very tired of trying to be thin and trying to convince myself of my beauty. My gosh, I ‘m actually pretty fucking amazing. So that the hell is my problem? Why don’t I wake up and see it?I have so many things going for me and yet, I allow myself to get caught up on this one crazy stupid thing, weight…thickness…curves…fatdom.
Maybe I’m just not giving society or the human race enough credit. I mean, do I truly believe that people are so superficial that they won’t see my actual worth? In my core of cores, do I really believe that my weight is what hinders me being part of a couple? Truth be told, do I really think that the lbs on my butt, stomach, arms, hips, chin, ankles, arms, hands, fingers, toes…ok…and thighs have stood in the way of my success somewhere, somehow? Gosh, I so want to say no. If I’m being honest, the answer is actually…(ugh)…yes. I don’t want to believe it, because I see the whole picture of myself, because I have loved ones that see the whole picture of me. Yet, the more I look around and the more experiences that life gives me, society is screaming YES in my face.
Online dating has been my seemingly only go-to. Friends claim that they know no one worth setting me up with and as a teacher meeting people through work isn’t quite realistic. My free time is spent volunteering with a rescue (not an activity many men are drawn to), I attend the theatre (a bit of the senior crowd, but I have an old soul), and spend the rest of my time with friends and family. So. I do the things I love and the chances are quite low to bump into a handsome fella. That means (barf) I am stuck with online dating, dating apps, and well…there you have it. I have dabbled in online dating for YEARS. I did it before I was married and after I was married. Confession time – I’ve been dabbling in online dating for somewhere between nine and ten years now. Wow. Can’t decide if that makes me a pro or just sad. I mean, I’ve tried almost every site and app out there…paid for many…paid for many at a time…ugh, don’t get me started.
Most women in the world of online dating seek out their most attractive photos to advertise themselves (because isn’t that what we are really doing, advertising ourselves?, um, yes). I seek out a balance. I want photos that look like the everyday me and photos that look like me on my amazing days and photos that make me look like well…turds. I don’t want any surprises and I don’t want to invest my time in anyone that is going to be “surprised” or feeling “catfished” upon meeting me. I have, at times, almost obsessed over making sure that my photo representation online is 1000% accurate. Trust me, I’ve asked a ton of honest people for their honest opinions, honestly.
The issue with the way I see things is that I will look at others (um, hello, big mistake right there, wake up me!) and compare myself to them. Don’t we all do that though, we do, and if you say you don’t, well…you’re probably just a big fat liar. Anywho… (whistles and looks away, or in my case attempts to whistle). I look at people who are also single mothers (ex-husband chooses to be out of the picture so ZERO drama over here), college educated (I have my Masters), successful (I have my own career and own my own home), and easily or quickly found someone with which they are (or appear to be) very happy. So what the heck is my problem? The difference I see between them and I is only ONE thing…or maybe several things that adhere to the body and show up on the scale. Weight. Pounds. Fatness. They are thin (not necessarily “prettier”, but thin or thinner, we could call that thin-ish). It’s in my head…got to be in my head, right? I mean…well, right?
Oh, and yes, I have friends shove photos in my face of happy couples with a fat woman and an attractive man. That’s nice, but not really helping ME. Did she meet him BEFORE she got fat? Did he get to know her as a friend first and then the attraction built from there? C’mon, help me out with some productive information, not success stories.
A guy I dated years ago but have remained in touch with here and there (aka he calls me to boost him up or listen when he is single and though we rarely see each other in person I engage in the conversation because conversations with adults is nice…and I can brush up on my texting/other social media aping flirting) once told me something. He probably doesn’t know it, but it has stuck with me. Could he be right? I ask myself this all of the time. The comment came when we were discussing our various holdups, mine being body image issues and feeling dismissed by so many men purely on the size of my booty. He said to me, “Melissa, you know, you could have ANY guy you wanted.” Me? Really? Hmmm…
Update: Also May 2017, because people are curious beings…
I promise you, the visuals attached are representative of the reality. The oldest headshot is from April 2017 and the most recent body shot is with the black top and black/white skirt. Have at it…